"The Church Must Breathe With Four Lungs," Dubious Encylical States

"The Church must breathe with both lungs!" declared a recent pope.  Pope Bonaventure, though, appears to disagree with his predecessor.  In the leaked encyclical, Quarto Pulmonarum, the Holy Father lays out a new vision of ecclesial understanding, proclaiming, "The Church must breathe with four lungs!"

"It is an injustice to the Church's holy traditions to divide them so brusquely," writes the Successor of Peter.  "Let us not say there is only an East and a West: let us say there is an Greek, and an Oriental, and a Roman, and a German."  The Pope's schema views the traditions as divided among what are now the Eastern Orthodox, Oriental Orthodox, Roman Catholic, and Protestants (other Catholics, it is assumed, are placed with their respective traditions).

Many say the view is absurd, yet there are two opposing parties.  For instance, canonist Gratian Ordelli complains that this is too much division.  "We should love distinction, but only such distinction as is true.  These distinctions seem to be just trying to give minority groups and heretics 'warm and fuzzies' by saying they're special parts of the Church.  The Church only has two lungs, just like any other body: any more and She's a monster."  Preacher Ed Shepherd of the Seventy-Third Evangelical Church of West Alaska is of the opposite view: "There are still so many traditions that are not represented.  Where is the Methodist lung, the Calvinist lung, the Lutheran lung, the West Alaskan Evangelical lung?  We all have worthy traditions within the invisible Church.  I'll never join the papists if they won't take my views seriously." 

However, the hullabaloo over the encyclical may be completely baseless.  Proclamations from the Vatican Public Relations Office define, "No encyclical is rendered official until it is printed on the electronic parchment of the Vatican website.  Our web design is an official part of Vatican document approval."  Since the document was leaked on the Facebook page "♥♥♥!!!wE ♥ PoPe bONAvenTOoR!!♥♥♥(:" as a painfully-laid-out WordPerfect file, it seems to not be authenticated by the Vatican yet.  "Besides, Pope Bonaventure has never divided the Church into more than two lungs," reminded the Vatican.  "Why would he start now?"

We won't know for certain about Pope Bonaventure's views on this subject, or even if there is an encyclical in progress on this topic, until he personally makes a statement about it...which, with the recent ban on social media in the Vatican, might not be for a long time.

Tone 10?

     In the Metropolia of Cyrillic there is tension building among certain cantors about how many tones there can be before there are too many. While it is widely recognized that there are eight official liturgical tones, certain cantors (namely two from St. Alonso's parish) in the said metropolia are trying desperately to change this. The two cantors who are at the greatest fault are Charlie Baffling Jr. and Paul Strychalski. In the most recent study on cantors in the Metropolia of Cyrillic, Charlie and Paul were voted as the worst offenders of Liturgical tones.
     When I brought this study to Mr. Baffling's attention at a cantors press conference in the Metropolia, he responded by saying that his musical talent and years spent in the music business should allow him to make whatever changes he feels are necessary. This caused an uproar from most of those present (however, there were several who agreed with Baffling).When the same study was shown the Paul Strychalski he turned and blamed the influence of Mr. Baffling.
     While there is much uproar in the Metropolia of Cyrillic, one question remains to be answered: "Should we hold to having only the eight tones we currently use, or should we consider adding one or several more? How many tones are too many?". Of course, there are extremists on both sides of the argument, but do not be surprised if this becomes a national argument in the near future.


- TNN

Street War Breaks Out in Metropolia Over the Filioque

"I believe in the Holy Spirit, Who proceeds from the Father"—nothing too shocking there.  But the phrase that appeared near the end of the first millennium—"and the Son"—has been a source of tension among Eastern Christians ever since.  Though a recent joint document by Catholic and Orthodox theologians seemed to have begun to close the issue for good, a theological quandary has now spilled out into the streets.

The fringe group Eastern Catholics Against the Pope (ECAP) stated that they'd had enough of "the Western blasphemy," as they call it.  "The Lover of Mankind told us that he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit can never be forgiven," explained ECAP spokesman Andrei Tochivikov.  "So must we not strike down the blasphemers with a double-edged sword?  For this is the glory of all the saints."

Thankfully, when an enflamed band of ECAP members stormed towards the Svjatj Marije, seat of the Byzantine Catholic Metropolia of Bogoroditsa, outside Paw Paw, WV, they came not with swords (or even plowshares), but with fireworks.  Seemingly endless volleys of mortars began to cover the square in front of the Svjatj Marije, frightening many of the faithful away from their weekly All-Night Vigil.

The attack was not one-sided for long, though: a recently-formed group who call themselves "Chrysostom's Papists," took up the defense of Bogoroditsa's cathedral, returning ECAP's fire with the blasts of Roman Candles.  "We will defend the papal truth!" sung Cantor Sean Kirill in Tone 3 to his comrades.  "The Holy Father, blessed of the Theotokos"—he interestingly switched to Tone 2 for these words—"calls us to proclaim the truth of Spirit's proceeding!"  Any later melodies were drowned out by the growing battle, which is continuing now, singeing beards on the ECAP side and tonsured heads on Chrysostom's.

Orthodox Bishop Joseph of Cranberry, PA, across the state border from Bogoroditsa, condemned the conflict as "a sign of the division which has never been present in the Orthodox Church."  "But," he admitted, "I admire their zeal for truth."  His Grace declined to clarify whose truth, leading to speculation of his entering communion with Rome.

Further conflict between ECAP and the Papists will be promptly reported by Tone Nine News, once our team returns from their holy war of fireworks.

"Oil Drinkers" Anathematized, Prominent Historical Theologian Proclaims

For centuries the debate as continued between the Slavs and the Greeks: should any oil be allowed on the strictest of fast days?  The conflict has always been portrayed as a debate over the best ascetical practices, with no heaven-or-hell effect on one's soul, as indeed it has always been understood...until now.

Protoreader Theodore Anathayich, Professor of Ancient Theology at St. Methuselah's Metropolitan College in Teatree, WV, has revealed startling new evidence that escalates the debate dramatically.  In his lofty, papyrus-drowned personal library at the College, Tone Nine News met with the long-bearded researcher.  As preposterously-sized dust mites strove (and succeeded) to block out the light from the pinpoint windows, the Protoreader expounded at length on his discoveries.

"In the time of the most holy, glorious, illustrious, and prime Apostles to the Bulgarians, the Greatmartyrs Donatar and Uksena, Bearers of the Constantinian Faith, when His Clemency, Emperor Auctatian, ruled with his mother, the Empress Justa, when Ancianos was Pope of Old Rome, Horatios was Patriarch of New Rome, Teendros was Pope of Alexandria, John XII was Patriarch of Antioch...[the Professor's speech has been edited for length]...and Vlad was Porter of the Shrine of the Virgin Angara in Moravia, the Great Lost Synod of Târgi Lăpșu in Romania was convened by His Grace Comenari, Bishop of Târgi Lăpșu.  'We, the humble servants of our Lord Jesus Christ, Who said "When the Bridegroom is away, then the guests do fast,"'—and I read only the relevant section of the Decrees, for your sake—'do solemnly declare, in communion with the 150 Holy and Venerable Fathers of the Synod of Nicea, who proclaimed, "We believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, of all things visible and invisible..."'—I again extract only the essentials—'and the 17 Holy and Venerable Fathers of the Synod of Cyprus, who declared that Metropolitans who do not wear the engolpion shall never see the face of God, that the drinking of oil shall not occur on the days of fasting; and to any who drinks of oil, even that not of the olive, on such days, or who says that such drinking is not specifically deemed wicked by our Lord in His Holy Scripture, or who says that it is a matter of oikonomia, let him be anathema!'  So declared the venerable synod of Târgi Lăpșu, and so must we live today."

After we removed the glaze from our eyes and regained our attention, we asked the Protoreader what authority a local synod in Romania so many centuries ago would have for Christians in America today.  He responded, "Tradition, our tradition, is one tradition, and ever shall it be upheld!  'He who claims to divide the greater from the lesser traditions, let him be anathema!,' ordered the Synod of Musk.  And..."  We paused the Protoreader's much-informed speech to confirm his answer, and he again responded,"'Just as the minor prophets are as holy as Isaiah, so are all the various traditions of the churches as holy as the Mysteries given us by Christ," stated that holy synod."  When we asked whether there may be a hierarchy of truths and a multitude of traditions, anathemas flew from his learned lips faster than our pens could record.  Such anathemas increased in velocity when we questioned him on the holiness of the Latin traditions.

As our word limit approaches, then, we summarize Professor Anathayich's discourse thus: an obscure local synod anathematized those who drink any oil on the strict fast days.  Tone Nine News will continue to cover this story, though, by interviewing other theologians in the future for their take on this development.  We will end with just one last word from the Protoreader, which he says summarizes all of Byzantine Catholic theology:

"He who despises any traditions of any of the Fathers, let him be anathema!"

Catholic Priest Rescued from Well in Missouri! 

Fr. Simon Vroidnik, a Catholic Priest of St. Andrew’s Byzantine Catholic Church in Goodsprings, MI, was giving a house blessing for a young family in northern Missouri when he fell down a dried up artisan well.  The couple with their two year old daughter said that Fr. Simon had stopped by the well to bless it when he slipped and fell 20 feet to the bottom of the hole. “One second he was holding his book and saying a prayer, the next he’s at the bottom of the well!” Mrs. Franklin told one of our reporters after the fact.

            After many attempted rescues by Mr. Franklin with anything from ladders to ropes, the couple called 911 and reported the incident to the authorities. The rescuers worked quickly and Fr. Simon was out in no time after spending a little over two hours in the well.

            He was taken to the hospital and is resting comfortably with only a dislocated elbow and some minor scrapes and bruises. Fr. Simon is expected to be released from the hospital in the next few days where he will resume his normal prayer service schedule. But if there’s one thing that has been learned it’s that a priest should anoint the sick and leave the well alone.